Measure yourself to yourself by yourself

I was reminded the other day, that the race I run is with no one but myself ... I determine the pace, the finish line and ultimately the prize. Do I always remember that? Hell friggin' no. But I am grateful for the support system that I have been blessed with that does remind me.

This was undoubtedly one of the worst years in my life. I thought 2006 was a fucked up year, but 2010 blew that right out of the waters. I thought 2010 was going to be my year. I thought I was going to own 2010. Albeit I;ve had some good times in this year, my ass is still sore from where 2010 bent me over. That's raw talk.

In pretty talk, I set goals, I had dreams, I was going to plant seeds for a future that I had mapped out. I was going to love harder, live freer, cry less and laugh more. I cried more this year than I had in any years passed. And in April, when I was at an all time low, lower than I;ve ever been in my life (and trust me I;ve had depressing moments in my years), I remember telling someone that the only thing left to go wrong with this year is for someone to

 die. Be careful what you wish for ... in August, the 14th to be exact, 4 days after my birthday, I lost the one man who has consistently been there for me .. that is until Alzhemier's took him away frmo me, and then Death's cluthes embraced him. Just thinking about it still makes water come to my eyes ... when every man I have known in my life, including my father walked away, Grandpa, my partner in crime, my candy caper partner, was always there .... I do not know how to fill that void ...

except with memories. I have chosen to forget the phases of Alzhiemer's when he replaced me with some woman named Sarah Tuiit that no one seems to know ... and I will remember the advice, conversations and good times...

that being said, I will try to look back at 2010 and remember the highlights .. travelling, meeting new people, falling in love (and out of it), seeing a dream come to life in the name of "When A Woman Moans", feeling inspired via books, movies, people ...

But most importantly, I will continue to remind myself, that I need only to measure myself to myself by myself. I will remember that I run with no one but my own dreams, ambitions, and inhibitions ... I will remember that each day is a gift to be lived, enjoyed and experienced ... and for that I am grateful ...