The Rabbit Hole.....

Do you believe in alternate universes? Do you believe that somewhere between sleep and awake exists that world - a world where tears are fiction and pain a dream; that place where heartbreak is a novel you indulge in and grief is a two-hour movie where, while you jump at scenes and allow emotions to sway, at the back of your mind you know it's special effects, camera tricks and plain old make believe?

If this Rabbit Hole was accessible, would it be a place you'd easily dwell, a vacation of some sorts or would you migrate. It makes me think of What Dreams May Come, with Robin Williams - a movie based on two lines from Hamlet's famous speech - "to be or not to be". And while the young prince contemplates death, he says, "to die is to sleep, and to sleep is to dream, and therein lies the pause for what dreams may come" In this he wonders if to choose suicide, as a means of escape from the overwhelming pain of life,  would suicide be to sleep, caught in an eternal nightmare, if perchance that's the dream you got.

But we're not talking about suicide. Although, I no longer look at suicides as cowards, idiots or atheists. Naaaah, I just empathise, and maybe even sympathise. After slipping in and out of my own "Rabbit Hole", I see suicides as those who were only able to find comfort, love, reassurance and genuine friendship in caterpillars called cocaine, disappearing cats called meaningless flings and affairs, and reality in red painted white roses and therefore got stuck in that alternate universe.

 They may have never crawled out of their Rabbit Hole, and admittedly, we each crawl, fall, or create our own Rabbit Holes at times - that escape from pain, from pressure, from sadness, from anything unpleasant that life plummets us with. For some, their Rabbit Hole is a glass of wine, and Smokey Robinson, or Louis, maybe the smooth notes of Miles. For others, it might be that favourite comforter in the human being that is our safety zone, that person we can always rely on to be just that - a comfort, a safety net, who offers us all the amenities of a relationship, without the physical or intimate webs that trap us. Some even find that Rabbit Hole in the solitude of nature, darkness or private quarters - a space to claim as their own as they just sit, meditate and allow the mind and soul to dance amidst talking flowers and rabbits, to frolic and laugh with Mad Hatters,  or converse around a table of finest delights, where special brownies are served over friendly philosophies and jokes between Bob, Martin, Malcolm and Miriam .... maybe .....

But when reality slaps you like a belly flop from 40 feet, it's no Rabbit Hole when you know for a fact, there are lifeguards, EMS workers, and nurses called "i got ya back" friends to pull you out, administer a lil CPR called sound advice and encouragement, and when your back or belly stings from that flop, laugh with you, asking what the hell were you thinking and remind you of that time in your life, when you're finally at that place you don't have to look forward to the "day" when you'll look back and laugh, 'cause you're already there.

A Rabbit Hole, as metaphorically soothing as it is, can never replicate the touch from one heart to another out of genuine concern. It could never taste as sweet as a glass of wine (or apple juice) between two friends, drinking, eating and then laughing the cancers of life away. And isn't that the sweetest part? When you have gotten to the "remember when" goal, and you can share it with that friend or friends who did tell you then, that you'd get there. That's no Rabbit Hole.

And eventually, that Rabbit Hole disappears, and life gets, not necessarily easier, but bearable and even enjoyable, because your friends are real, and exist in this world. They're a phone call away and not limited to the restrictions of a Rabbit Hole.

Some of us can say that we've been at lows, where just as we were about to crawl into that Rabbit Hole we got that text message, phone call or email, that said, Screw the Rabbit Hole, come chill with me...... And just as karma would have it, we too have been the lifeline to stop someone from crawling into that Rabbit Hole ... maybe even for good.

So here's to genuine friendship, good laughs, needed cries, sound advice, a firm talking to, and time from busy schedules to just say, my mind ran on you... wazzup?

The "Nice" Guy

So I may be accused of male bashing in this blog... but so be it ... still sticking to my opinions

The "Nice" Guy, in inverterd commas - well, he sick ma 'tomach! (In English, he makes me sick).

For one, I find, from my own experience and from observation as well as conversation with other women, we often celebrate this "nice guy", 'cause in a sea of openly, whoring, aggressive, whoring, chauvinistic, whoring, abusive, whore and mean men that are out there, when a seemingly "nice" guy comes along, he's like a burst of cool air on a hot day, a first sip of your favourite wine, that first melted savouring taste of your favourite desert, as you let it melt your tastes buds, sense, and even your common sense. 

Now, I don't hate men - I just hate some of their attitudes. I don't think that all men are dogs - but I do think that all men had doggish behaviours at times. I don't believe all men are assholes - wait ... OKAY, I DO believe all men are assholes, but there are different degrees and levels, and as women we all know our tolerance level for assholism. 

And I'm quite sure that even Oprah, Maya Angelou, Michelle Obama, Vanessa Williams, and Jill Scott have all had to deal with different extremes of assholes hitting on them as fine, fierce, independent and successful as they are. 

But after swimming through and almost drowning in a sea of assholes, oh my god it feels damn good to have a man open a door for you, get the passenger seat for you, ask your advice/opinion on matters that don't even concern you; respect your body, opinion and mind. Let me rephrase - it is like a frickin' oasis to have a man openly express his admiration of your mind. And he proves this be recalling snippets of your "pearls of wisdom" and even quotes from the "pages of your personal philosophy" that make you do  a double take and think, "Shit! He was really listening!!!!"

Yes, that "nice" guy who respects women, has a loving relationship with his mom, hi daughters, or even makes an effort to make your kids feel included is a rare and precisous gem, isn't he? Or is he?

Or is it that we're so grateful for this "nice" guy that we cripple ourselves, and become somewhat deluded like women in abusive relationships who can justify every blow, bruise and rape.  But we're not like them, are we? We can't be like them, saying, "he hit me 'cause I got him upset, but he provides for the kids, even the ones that aren't his"; or perhaps "he didn't really mean to be so rough, he always apologises and he helped me escaped my stepfather," ... nahhh we don't say anything like that. 

I mean, after all, these are the "nice" guys we're talking about - the types that bring you flowers "just because", the types that will take you picnics, just because you like that sort of thing; the types that cook, and damn good too; the types that encourage you to pursue your education, your dreams; the types that are conversationalists, make you laugh and believe in communication; the types that'll rub your aching feet in lieu of bonyons and corns, and even get you your preferred pad or tampon. Those are the "nice" types .... aren't they?

But do we allow this refreshing change in approach and treatment to turn a blind eye, deaf ear or muzzle our mouths to the indicators of a lurking asshole buried in the niceness, like a werewolf?!  Do we ignore that snide remark, inappropriate behaviour, or that thing that would have us raising hell with any other guy, but because he's a "nice" guy we let it slip by?

Or do "nice" guys only exist in the "honeymoon/courting" phase, realising too late that they've seduced us into trusting and loving again, opening your heart and then BAM!!!!! you get hit a 6 for a 9 and can't even recall then the "nice" guy suddenly started acting like an "asshole". 

I mean, because he's introduced you to his friends and family and has publicly sand your accolades, do you turn deaf ear when his phone goes off at 2 in the morning and it ain't LIME or Digicel broadcasting?We brush it off as a "must be an emergency or wrong number" cause my "nice" guy would not be entertaining such booty-calling-suspicious behaviours ... NAaaahhhhh.........

Because he's always encouraged you to pursue higher education or go after that job promotion, we don't let such remarks as "'cause you have degree you feel you can outsmart me" or "just 'cause you book smart nuh mean you street smart" and even the "so cause you think you know more big word than me that mean ......etc etc etc" slide by, because we think we might have bruised his fragile ego in some way, so we don't answer back with a HELL FRIGGIN' YEAH!!!!!!

But when it builds up, when this "nice" guy starts "dropping wud" or exhibiting behaviour that might make you think , "hmmmm.... that's just how my insecure ex used to carry on", why is it we let it slip, slide and down right avalanche to a place where we become unhappy and are constantly justifying what is obvious assholism by saying, "it's not that bad, because he's a nice guy"?

Well hear wha?! Foo me EGO fragile TOO!!!!!!!!!! And when we get over the "niceties" we realize that, Hey, yeah he's nice, but he is still a man. And if we don't pull them up on behaviours we don't like, "all because they're nice men" we lower our standards, our expectations, and compromise who we are as women. And if these "nice" men are really that nice, they won't shy away from us telling them exactly what we like or don't like. I mean, hell, they make us know immediately, after ONE slip what they don't like, and what we should never ever TRY with them again. So why don't we do the same? Cause dem nice?

Maybe it's up to us women who happen across these "nice" men to whip their asses into line when they overstep the boundaries we've personally set. Maybe that's the "key" women in healthy and successful relationships possess - they don't let anything slide with their "nice" men, and therefore, these men keep their assholism to a tolerable minimum and remain "nice" men. 

And trust me, these "nice" men KNOW they;re great when COMPARED to some dogs out there and won't hesitate to pull files, especially if he knows about past bad relationships! So being the "nice" men they are, they milk that sucker DRY .... but only 'cause we let them. 

So after all this ranting, i will admit, i LOVE men, I ADORE my nice men, but after a few lessons with nice men, I no longer hesitate to let my "nice" man know when his assholism is rising above my tolerance level. 

I mean, can't a nice woman just be with a nice man and live happily ever after, nicely?